


Wait.....He has kids?!

by Arachniphobia16



Category: Justice League - All Media Types
Genre: And his kids are nightmares, Batfam craziness, Clark has the patience of a saint, Gen, Hijinks, Humor, Stop yelling at your kids Bruce, The League has no idea how insane the batclan can be at times, bruce does not, bruce is a dad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-25 13:26:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16661845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arachniphobia16/pseuds/Arachniphobia16
Summary: Batman has kids? Who knew...buuuuuut this was probably not the best way for the rest of the founding members to find out. Even though it did make for the best meeting ever.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please note this is some of my old work (so the writing isn't the best) that my little brother reminded me of. Thought I'd post it here and see if you guys get a giggle. Please note that this is a series of oneshots and has no actual plot to it so I jump around timelines and choose characters and ages as I please. Thanks! Remember, this is my old writing and definitely not to be taken seriously, OOCness will happen. The latter chapters I'm putting together I may take more seriously.

It had been a long day aboard the watchtower. There were mechanical failures, computer glitches, and quite a bit of engine trouble in two of the Javelins. There had been people working on them all day and the lights still flickered like strobe lights every fifteen minutes but only in one specific hallway, at least half of the Justice League members were locked out of the computer, and the two Javelins still weren’t working. All that would eventually be fixed but this was an important meeting, and Batman wasn’t here…..if he had been here when he was supposed to then he probably would have wound up running around and fixing everything. Glitches made the man twitch.

  
“I vote we just call him, put the guy on speaker and have the meeting that way.” Flash threw the suggestion out after a few minutes of impatient silence.

  
Everyone simply shrugged and nodded as Clark connected the speaker box to his Justice League communicator and called Bruce.

  
“What?” Naturally he sounded annoyed.

  
“Where are you?” John asked.

  
“In the cave, where else?”

  
“There was a scheduled meeting today.”

  
They were met by a long drawn out silence.

  
“…….Today’s Thursday?”

  
“Yes Bruce. Today is Thursday.” Superman said between chuckles. “How long have you been sitting at that gigantic computer of yours?”

  
“…..Since….Tuesday I think.”

  
“Well, this is officially meeting time.”

  
“Okay.”

  
“Very well.” J’onn began. “As everyone knows we’ve been having some difficulty with the computer systems and Javelins number eight and twelve.”

  
“You have?”

  
“Yes Bruce we have. You really need to remember that there is a thing called time and you should keep track of it.” Shayera stated.

  
“Well, instead of tracking time I’ve been tracking a serial killer that really likes children, tortures, and burns his victims alive. You were saying?”

  
There was another long pause.

  
“…Back at the farm….” Clark’s voice was quiet and awkward.

  
“How long have the computers been glitching and what exactly are they doing?” Batman asked.

  
“Well roughly half of the League’s members have been locked out of the computer, the cameras shut of periodically, and a couple of our files have disappeared, and don’t even go in hologram training room.”

  
Another long pause and then Bruce responded.

  
“Alright I know what you’re problem is, here’s what you need to do…..RICHARD! YOU TAKE TIM’S HEAD OUT OF THE BATMOBILE THIS INSTANT!!!!”

  
Everyone in the room sat ramrod straight and stared at the speaker box with wide eyes and jaws dropped.”

  
“I do not care what he took! You take your little brother’s head out of the Batmobile engine!!!” Bruce’s voice had risen to something in between a deep bellow and a screech.  
J’onn looked at the speaker like it had grown legs, Wally’s eyes were seconds from popping out of his head and rolling off the table, Superman was desperately trying not to laugh, Shayera was just outright laughing, John was right next to her, and Diana had tilted her head to the side in pure confusion.

  
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE’S STUCK!!!!!???? You got his head stuck in the engine?! Richard what the hell were you thinking?!”

  
There was the distant sound of a child begging for his life, and the sound of a smaller one crying and screaming in terror.

  
“No Timmy, sweetheart it’s okay I’ll get you out, calm down. Good god Richard how did you DO this!?”

  
Clark had lost his control and was slumped over the table holding his sides.

  
“YOU, go upstairs in your room and wait for me! ALFRED!!! Please, please, please go get some butter or something to slide Tim’s head out of here. DO NOT argue with me Richard! You get in your room before I break your neck!”

  
“Master Bruce just take a breath and calm down.” Alfred’s voice was quiet but distinguishable.

  
There was a long breath took in as a growl and let out as a hiss.

  
“Thank you Alfred.” Bruce had obviously not calmed down at all judging by the strained voice leaking through clenched teeth. “It’s okay Timmy. Don’t cry we’re gonna get your head out soon and then I swear to god you can eat ice cream until you puke.”

  
“Master Bruce!”

  
“Yes! I know you never let me do that! But I never had my head stuck in a military grade automobile engine!”

  
More crying, more of Batman comforting a small child, and more laughing on the watchtower. Everyone felt a little bad for laughing at the situation because there was a little child crying on the other end of the line.

  
“It’s no use Alfred we’re gonna have to cut him out. Damn it I love this car. Go get me a wet towel, a fire extinguisher, the small band saw, and the propane torch.”  
Everyone had backed a good distance away and slapped their hands over their mouths to muffle their laughter. Batman would kill them if he caught them laughing at this and he would turn off his communicator. They really wanted to know how this ended.

  
“It’s okay Timmy. No, no Daddy’s not gonna burn you I promise. Just stay really still. RICHARD, WHAT DID I TELL YOU TO DO?! YOU GET BACK UP THOSE STAIRS MISTER! I’m gonna put this over your head and around your neck okay? There’s gonna be a lot of noise just don’t move.”

  
There was a tense silence followed by screeching and metal being torn and sliced. The noise lasted a good while and everyone stopped laughing and stared tensely at the black speaker box. Suddenly, after what seemed like an eternity the noise stopped and the sound of crying grew louder than it had been before.

  
“There we go. See Tim, I promised I’d get you out and I promised you’d be okay. Don’t cry. You’re out. Now, what was it that you did to make your brother so mad?”

  
The response was too quiet for the communicator to pick up.

  
“You took his what? And….where is it now? Okay Timmy why don’t you go with Alfred now and he’ll get you some ice cream.”

  
There was another long pause.

  
“Richard, I know you snuck down here again. You come here right now and if I have to come look for you, you are not going to like what happens. Now, what’s this about a magazine?”

  
Another long moment of a child begging for his life.

  
“As far as I’m concerned if I didn’t see it, it doesn’t exist. But I’m watching you and you know you can’t hide anything from me. If I find one of your little magazines I can promise you are going to be scarred for life. Consider yourself lucky that it was Tim and not me.”

  
Batman was good at making people cry and apparently young children fell into his realm of expertise because that kid was bawling.

  
“Now, about what you did to your brother. You are to go to school, come straight home, go right to your room and stay there. I will be clearing out your room of all video games, books, and anything that holds any form of entertainment for you. You will eat your meals in there and you will not leave your room for any reason other than your life being in danger. This will go on for a month.”

  
Richard was not happy with this new arrangement.

  
“Well that will teach you not to shove your brother’s head into an engine!”

  
They couldn’t take it anymore, everyone burst out laughing. They collapsed into chairs and held their sides as they laughed and laughed and laughed.

  
“I’m done. I give up. Today, I give up. Richard I am clearing out your room and then I will proceed to do something I haven’t done since I was seven. Absolutely nothing. Today I am going up to my room to watch the walls melt. If you guys bother me…..I….will….mangle…..you. They will have to identify your bodies via your dental records, do you understand me?! Batman over and out.”

  
“Woooow. Should someone go check on him? He sounded a little…..crazy.” Flash looked around the room wide eyed after wiping the tears from his eyes.

  
“Yeah….let’s reschedule this for later.” Clark stood up and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m the most durable I’ll go check on him.”

  
Superman walked out of the door with a wave and a slightly scared look on his face. The only thing running through all of their minds, was that that had been the best meeting ever!


	2. Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Wally's curiosity leads to a realization about how the batclan generally celebrates Halloween.

Wally was on a mission, a quest, a remarkable journey that will most likely end with the exact opposite of what he wanted but he had to try. He wanted answers because this was bugging him to no end. His determined look caught Superman’s attention who swooped through the other heroes scattered through the hallway of the watchtower to address Flash.

“”What’s got your goat today?” He asked.

“What?” Flash responded.

“You look……well…..teed off. What’s wrong?”

“Oh!” Wally exclaimed. “No I’m not angry just majorly confused and focused on getting answers.”

“Oh? About what?”

“Why don’t you just tag along? I might have more luck if you come with me.”

“O…kay?”

“Bats is on monitor duty right?”

“Goodbye!”

“Wait a second!” Flash whirled around and caught Superman by the arm. “It’s nothing bad in fact I think you’ll get a good laugh out of the story okay?”

Clark nodded and followed Wally to the monitor room where Bruce sat typing away on the console as his eyes flickered across every screen looking for anything amiss.

“I’m busy.” He grumbled.

“Just got a quick question for you Bats.” Flash said as he leaned against the console.

“What part of I’m busy did you not understand.”

“Seriously, just one question.”

“Fine.” Bruce sighed and swiveled the chair to face both Wally and Clark. “Shoot.” He glared.

“Okay, so last night was Halloween right? I was just passing through Gotham. Looking for you. I’ve always wanted to know what exactly you do on Halloween. It seems like a holiday you would enjoy you know?”

“Wally.” Batman growled and Clark edged toward the door.

“Right, sorry! Anyway I stopped for like two seconds then out of nowhere I get pegged by like, two dozen eggs! I could _not_ find who did it for the life of me. Know anything?”

Clark did a double take. “What?” He giggled. “Two dozen eggs?”

“They just fell out of the sky. I am not kidding you.”

“ _Two dozen eggs_?!” Clark laughed. “Oh my god!” He hunched over clutching his sides.

“I know right? I told you you’d get a laugh.”

The pair turned back toward Batman who looked mildly peeved.

“Oh geeze.” He sighed. “My god! You leave those three alone with a catapult for two minutes and they peg one of your coworkers!” He threw his black clad arms into the air in exasperation.

“What?” Clark straightened. “Catapult?”

“Left who alone with a catapult?” Wally asked with wide eyes.

“Richard, Barbara and Tim! Who else?!”

“You left three kids alone with a catapult?!” Clark screeched.

Bruce responded with a subtle widening of the eyes otherwise known as his ‘deer in the headlights’ look.

“Well, it wasn’t really a catapult so much as a slingshot.” He said.

Clark and Wally continued to glare at him.

“Okay……a giant slingshot. But I set rules damn it! It was a boring night alright!”

“Do you usually do stuff like this on Halloween?” Wally was almost afraid to ask.

“No, usually we do something less boring. I have to admit though, building a slingshot capable of flinging a whole chicken over nine city blocks was fun. I spent a fortune on plastic bags and cheese wiz last night.”

“I don’t know how to take this.” Superman sighed while pinching the bridge of his nose.

“If it makes you feel any better we did get stuck on the roof of the penthouse under heavy retaliation fire.”

“What?!” Wally was sure his neck had snapped during that double take.

“It’s Gotham. You think I’m the only one who gets these ideas? We pegged the wrong person and they retaliated. Simple as that.”

“ _What_?” They were stuck in a loop and Batman sighed as he turned back around to face the screens.

“The slingshot got taken out so I waved the white flag after a while, and my intention was to teach the kids that it’s perfectly okay to give up sometimes. They kept firing. ‘Kids,’ I said, ‘time to run away like cowards’. Those brats hit a security button and sent the whole building into lockdown. Their aim was phenomenal. I couldn’t reverse it from the roof! We were trapped for hours and those kids never seemed to run out of ammo.” Bruce was getting more animated as the story continued and neither Wally nor Clark could stop laughing.

“So, I did what anyone raised in Gotham would do. I stood up and swore revenge next year. Alfred just sat on the balcony with popcorn…..that ass! Next Halloween is going to be epic I promise.” He accentuated this with a raised fist and victorious smirk.

“I don’t think you should be allowed out on Halloween anymore.” Clark chuckled.

“Just trying to have some fun with the kids and it was a slow night crime wise. I took the opportunity to peg speeders, shoplifters and thieves with a little something special in our arsenal. I almost decided to stop firing those after I saw the results. It was horrifying.”

“What was it?” Wally asked.

“I don’t think you want to know. Nothing lethal but I’m pretty sure I scarred myself for life either way. In fact I think I’m gonna be sick right now.” Bruce let out his breath in a hiss as he clenched his teeth and brought a hand to his mouth.

Wally laughed and Clark face palmed while Bruce just took a few deep steadying breaths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of me more favorite chapters. I was proofreading this aloud, in character, and utilizing voices to the best of my ability. I made it to the chicken and lost it. How far can you get?! Always down for prompts. Something you wanna see? Tell me and I'll see if my brain can work up something.


	3. Sugar High

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we discover that Tim does NOT handle sugar well, Richard is a bratty teenager, and Bruce blows a fuse.

Things had been relatively normal amongst the members of the Justice League and thankfully there were no big catastrophes to deal with. Everyone was enjoying some rare down time and took the opportunity to relax as much as they could. It had quickly spread through the Watchtower (Wally) that Batman was a parent and he had been evading the inquiries spectacularly. The man was a verbal warrior. It had been three years since that first moment and no one had seen or heard any more proof of Batman’s children other than the occasional face palm from Superman as the two were talking.

It was still something that was hard to believe. Batman was a parent. No one could really understand how it could possibly work and how those kids could still be alive. Not without attempts on their part according to Clark.

Today, the laid back routine would take a drastic change and it started small enough. Vigilante had been walking through the halls when he came across an odd sight. There was a young child standing in the hallway chewing on the sleeve of his hoodie. He had locked a pair of wide blue eyes on the hero and froze. Vigilante paused for a brief moment and looked around for who the kid might belong to and when he returned his gaze to the boy he only found an empty hallway.

The second sighting was by Green Arrow who only saw a blur of what looked like a small black haired boy who had found a pair of rocket skates and was enjoying them immensely.

More and more sightings occurred as the day progressed and no one, once they went looking, could actually find the kid. Enough people had seen him that they were all able to assure themselves that it was not a hallucination. He had apparently been sighted crawling around in the vents and machinery like a Xenomorph out of the Alien movies.

“I swear I saw him in the vent!” Flash shouted through a mouthful of hamburger.

A large group of heroes had pulled tables together during their lunch time to discuss this with each other.

“What the heck is a kid doing up here anyway?” Blue Beetle grumbled.

“I came across him in the hallway and it was quite creepy.” Shayera mumbled as she took a drink of her soda. “How did a kid get up here is the important question.” She added as an afterthought.

“I swear he was on rocket skates!” Green Arrow shouted.

“Why do we have rocket skates?” Doctor Fate asked.

“Batman got bored.” Flash responded.

“No, he couldn’t have been on rocket skates.” Wildcat thought out loud.

“It was!” Green Arrow shot back.

“No, because that would mean that this kid, who cannot be more than eleven somehow got into Batman’s lab without raising a single alarm.”

The entire group let out a chorus of ‘hmms’ signifying their agreement.

“He was just standing there in the hallway and I didn’t think a kid could look so creepy.” Flash said.

“I know!” Everyone blurted.

“He was standing there, black hair everywhere and the craziest eyes I have ever seen. He froze when he saw me and-“

“What did he look like?” Batman’s deep, intense voice interrupted Flash’s tale.

“Augh!” Flash shrieked. “You were on the other side of the room!”

“And now I’m here and you are evading the question. What did he look like? How was he acting?” Superman came up beside Batman, who was getting slightly manic, holding two trays and a confused expression. “Was he hissing, spitting, snarling, growling? All four? Was he speaking super-fast, backwards, in Latin?! Help me out here!” He ended with a bellow that brought silence upon the whole room.

“Why would he be speaking Latin?” Flash spluttered.

“Answer. The. Question.” Bruce snarled in Wally’s face.

“He was really small, wearing jeans and a blue hoodie, no shoes, black hair and blue eyes. Don’tkillme!”

Batman straightened and proceeded to participate in the thousand yard stare that ended with a slight twitch. He reached out and snatched one of Wally’s energy drinks and cracked it open.

“I need this more than you do.” He growled as he chugged the whole thing in one go.

“What makes you think you need it more?!” Flash whined.

“Because, I have to chase down the Wolf-Man.” Bruce said with a pained grin and a voice that was far too bright for Batman.

He crushed the can and threw it in the trashcan as he walked out of the Cafeteria. A few seconds passed before he popped his head back in.

“Maintain radio silence.” He told everyone with grave seriousness.

A minute or so of dead silence passed before Superman shouted.

“ _What_ …..was that?!” He slammed down the two trays. “I had just pulled him away from a mountain of paperwork and got him to take a break. What were you talking about?!”

That was the last anyone saw of Batman for a few hours. There was the rustle of black cape in a vent or movement in the shadows down in the maze of tunnels that wound through the bowels of the watchtower. Just like the kid, no one could find him once they started looking. There had been a string of curses that rattled through the ventilation system and both Batman and the kid were sighted briefly in the girl’s locker room, before vanishing back into the netherworld in which they dwelled.

“Is this one of Batman’s kids?” Green Lantern asked as he leaned over Superman’s shoulder.

“Probably, judging by his reaction.” Superman sighed as he scanned the security system for any sign of the two.

“It’s been four hours.” Diana said with a wince. “Where are they?”

“I don’t know. They haven’t teleported out.” Superman ran a hand through his hair.

“Wait.” J’onn said. “Go back.”

Superman switched back through a few camera feeds until J’onn told him to stop.

“Is that a snare trap?” J’onn sounded absolutely baffled.

Sure enough a well hidden snare trap was sitting in the hall on one of the lower, rarely used decks. It was hard to spot and impossible to see unless from a distance.

“Well, it’s a start.” John sighed and walked out the doors.

When they got to the lower decks everything was silent until suddenly an ear piercing shriek tore through the air followed by inhuman growls and snarls. The group ran to the sound and stopped as they rounded the corner. They stared in pure shock and confusion and Wally discreetly pulled out his phone and began filming.

Batman was sitting, cross legged beneath the young boy who was hanging upside down by his ankle from the snare trap.

“Tim.” Batman called out calmly. “Timmy calm down.” The child continued to thrash and snarl. “Timmy, you know I don’t speak Taz.” Bruce grumbled.

He glared at a far corner.

“My child is a cartoon character.” He mumbled and clutched the sides of his head.

The man took a deep steadying breath before continuing to speak.

“Tim. English. Remember English?” The child bared his teeth and hissed.

Bruce visibly deflated and pulled out a cell phone out of his utility belt.

“Richard!” He snarled. “Weren’t you supposed to watch you brother?” There was a short pause. “Then why is he here in the Watchtower?”

Bruce took another deep breath and clenched his free hand.

“How much candy did he have?” There was a short pause before Bruce leaped to his feet in a fit of rage. “Richard! You are in so much trouble! More trouble than you have _ever_ been in I swear! You know how he gets when he has too much sugar!”

He flopped onto his back beneath the writhing, hissing, spitting Timothy.

“This is about me grounding you isn’t it?” Bruce sighed. “That was well deserved and you know it Richard! You stole the Batmobile….and then crashed it. This….this is a whole new level of warfare. Are you sure you want to start this?”

He sat up.

“Because, unlike me, _you_ have a social life.”

“Oh my god.” John laughed quietly.

“He knows.” Shayera chuckled.

“Such dangerous things, social lives. So easily ruined, destroyed, thoroughly slaughtered.” Bruce’s voice had taken on a very dark tone. “What’s the name of your sweet little girlfriend Richard? I know where she lives you know and I _can_ forge your handwriting.”

Bruce slowly developed an evil smirk.

“Get Tim’s room ready. Yes the padding, of course the padding. He’s completely feral! Get some bread and water and instead of going on your date tonight you can spend all night caring for, not _watching_ since I have to make that distinction now, your little brother.”

There was an audible growl from the Dark Knight.

“We will finish this discussion later.” He snarled into the phone before hanging up.

Batman looked back up at Timothy before chewing on his lip nervously. He stood up after taking a deep breath and removed his cape. He slowly lowered Tim to the ground and held his cape out in front of him as he crouched slightly and tentatively moved toward the child as he clawed at the rope around his ankle and snarled.

“It’s okay Timmy.” Bruce cooed soothingly. “I’m going to get you home now and then everything will be okay.”

He lunged forward the moment the kid looked up and before long had the boy wrapped up in his cape after a chaotic struggle. He tossed the writhing, growling mass over his shoulder, turned and froze when he saw the group watching him.

He blinked owlishly for a few seconds before he moved forward with a grumble.

The original members smiled to each other before turning to follow him through the hallways of the Watchtower. Their grins grew wider with every astonished look that was thrown Batman’s way as he marched to the teleporters.

“Why does it sound like there’s a rabid wolverine in your cape?” Wildcat stepped in front of Batman with a creased brow.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Batman sulked.

“Are you sulking?” Zatanna added as she passed.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Bruce repeated before pushing past them both.

“Is that blood?” Wildcat jumped in front of Batman again.

Everyone followed Wildcat’s line of sight to Batman’s hand that was starting to drip a deep crimson onto the floor.

“He bit through my glove?!” Batman screeched.

“Who bit through your glove?”

“The….” Bruce visibly winced. “Rabid wolverine.”

He resituated the thrashing bundle on his shoulder before pushing past them again and successfully making it to the teleporter. The original members followed for the sake of a good show and Bruce couldn’t be bothered to tell them to get lost. They allowed Bruce space to deal with Timothy and then watched as he tore into Richard.

“You know better Richard!” He bellowed. “He has a low tolerance for sugar! You _know_ better!”

“You said to watch him. I did. I watched him eat all the candy.” Richard replied with a smirk.

“How did he get on the Watchtower?”

“Not sure actually, he moves fast.”

“You are not going out tonight! You are not going to see the light of day for a long time!”

“So, basically I get to be you?”

Clark could see where Bruce had acquired the twitch.

“Cell phone.” Bruce demanded and Richard pulled out a cell phone and set it on the table. “I’m clearing out your bedroom again. I’m locking you out of all the computers. I’m nailing your windows shut, since I have to now. You are going to help Alfred clean the manor and when that is done you get to join me for an extra two hours of training every day. There will be no contact between you and your friends. Barbara is not coming over. I’m talking to the school and you will be placed well away from your friends in school and change classes at a different time with a security escort. You lunch will be spent alone too.”

“Fine.” Richard grumbled.

“And fork over your learner’s permit.”

“What?!”

“Now.” Bruce grinned.

“You can’t do that!”

“Yes I can.”

“Augh!” Richard shouted. “I hate you! I wish you were dead!” He threw the learners permit in Bruce’s face.

“I’M TAKING YOU WITH ME!!!!!” Bruce’s bellow rose from the darkest depths of hell itself and thundered through the manor while Superman and everyone else just tried not to laugh too loudly.

“Get this settled Bruce! Because in about an hour you are no longer a parent and you’re going out if I have to drag you by the hair!” Superman called down the hallway as father and son continued to scream at each other.


	4. Montage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bruce needs a break, Clark has the patience of a saint, his Ma does too, and there is a surprise ending.

The area around the farmhouse was calm and quiet in the midst of a beautiful Kansas summer. Clear blue skies stretched as far as the human eye could see and the tall plants waved to and fro in a calm breeze. Inside the Kent's farmhouse was similarly quiet. Martha sat in her armchair, reading quietly and her son mimicked her on the couch. Richard, Tim, and Jason were littered about the room and staring at their own books while fidgeting in slowly building boredom.

 

Timothy swung his legs back and forth where they dangled from his seat in the armchair. Jason drummed his fingers against the cover of his book as he nibbled on the inside of his cheek, and Richard's legs could not seem to keep still.

 

“Okay seriously, why do we _have_ to stay inside?” Richard groaned in exasperation.

 

“Because Bruce says, and I quote, 'They're monsters Clark, monsters, please help me. I'm going crazy'. Hence why he is on a walk and you are in here.” Clark responded without missing a beat.

 

The Wayne family, affectionately dubbed the Bat-clan, had been invited to spend a week, or however long they wanted, out at the farmhouse during the summer months when the boys didn't have school. It took four days of the three boys having a free schedule before Bruce was scrambling for the phone to accept the Kent's offer. Their antics had not calmed in the country but there were less people to catch in the crossfire so it was a partial win.

 

“Oh he's over reacting!” Jason exclaimed. “We are not _monsters_.” He rolled his eyes.

 

“Actually, from what I've seen out of you three I'm inclined to agree with that poor man.” Martha chimed in and earned a glare from Jason.

 

She was not phased in the slightest.

 

“How are we monsters?” Richard asked, brows creased in confusion.

 

Clark tucked a bookmark between the pages, closed the book, and set it down on the table next to him before leaning back and shooting Richard a raised brow.

 

“What?!”

 

“Do you remember what was happening when I came over to accompany you out here and why it took an extra twenty-four hours to get going?”

 

The three boys made guilty eye contact before staring at the floor.

 

“It wasn't that bad....” Timothy mumbled.

 

Clark sighed as he recalled the scene he had walked in on.

 

He had received the desperate phone call from Bruce the previous day, threatening insanity, reservations in Arkham, and some garbled phrase about the black market before Clark managed to get a word in. He had been in Metropolis at the time and decided to make the short trip to Gotham before the group of them would head off to the farmhouse.

 

Bruce had told him not to bother with knocking but that just wasn't the way his Ma and Pa had raised him. If it wasn't your house it was polite to knock first and Clark had yet to break away from that habit. Bruce kept making jokes about he probably rang the doorbell before going into a burning house to save dear little fluffy. Clark chuckled at the thought as he touched down on the front porch of Wayne Manor. He raised his hand to knock and paused at what he heard within.

 

“Master Bruce! It extends, push the button!” Alfred shouted above the rest of the hellish racket.

 

“What button!?” Bruce roared.

 

“The one I'm pointing at!” Alfred roared back.

 

“Don't yell at me like that when you can't even find the safety switch on that!” Bruce screeched in indignation. “Flip the safety and help me for god's sake!!!!”

 

“Well if you wouldn't hide it so well!”

 

“I've got three damn good reasons for hiding shit in this house and they're currently winning!”

 

“You treat it like a war Master Bruce.”

 

“THEY STARTED IT!!!!”

 

Clark decided he had more than enough reason to enter the house without knocking and he carefully crossed the threshold to find sheer chaos. Due to the amount of feathers everywhere Clark came to the conclusion that Bruce would need to buy new mattresses and pillows in the very near future.

 

“To your left!” Alfred shouted. “Will you please extend the mops Master Bruce?”

 

“You wanna do it?!”

 

“Gladly but it just isn't possible.”

 

Clark warily made his way to the sitting room that was source of the terrible racket and his jaw dropped. In the center of the room, ankles duct taped to one another and backs flush together kneeled Alfred and Bruce. The two couldn't seem to separate their backs and neither could they let go of the items in their hands. Bruce held a mop in each hand and Alfred had two of Bruce's grapple guns. Atop the T.V. Sat Richard, just out of reach and smug as can be. The other two were nowhere in sight.

 

Scratch that, Timothy had just swung in through the window, narrowly avoiding the reach of the mops stuck in Bruce's hands.

 

“Richard! You are dead you hear me!? Dead! When I get out of this Child Services will never find your body!!!!” Bruce snarled menacingly.

 

The older teen just smiled.

 

“Timothy.” Alfred called. “Help us out and you shall be given leniency.”

 

“Naw, this is so worth it.”

 

“It won't be when I'm done with you, you little devil spawn!” Bruce roared.

 

“Well if you're gonna call me names.” Timothy pouted before turning toward the window and jumping out.

 

Bruce's face turned several unhealthy looking shades.

 

“Now is that any way to talk when you're in such a position?” Richard's grin widened even further. “Maybe if you ask nicely, Brucie, I'll let you out.”

 

Bruce made a desperate lunge with the mops, which Richard gracefully dodged, and fell flat on his face, pulling Alfred on top on him.

 

“My vengeance will be slow and agonizing!” Bruce snarled into his very expensive rug.

 

“ _Very_ slow.” Richard said smugly as he leaned back comfortably.

 

“Not as slow as you might think.” Clark said as he stepped into the room.

 

Richard's eyes widened comically and the speed at which he dove out the window would have rivaled even the Flash. Clark walked in, looking down at Alfred and Bruce on the floor with a raised brow.

 

“I understand the panicked phone call now.” He said.

 

Bruce snarled into the carpet like a feral cat.

 

“How can I help?”

 

“If you could please hand us the superglue solvent that would be grand Master Kent.” Alfred sighed, resting the back of his head of the side of Bruce's face.

 

It was quite the scene to discover and Clark shot the three boys a chastising look as they quickly avoided his gaze.

 

“Okay....one time.”

 

“ _One_ time?” Clark's eyebrows climbed his forehead. “Remember what happened yesterday?”

 

“Clark had walked into the house where his Ma was reading and Bruce was reclined, probably meditating.

 

“Ma.” Clark said quietly and waited for her to set her book down before he finished. “We have a problem in the barn.”

 

“What problem?” She asked calmly.

 

“Cows.” He responded.

 

“Cows?” She asked in confusion.

 

“Yes, cows.” Clark repeated.

 

“Uh oh.” She winced.

 

“What's wrong with your cows?” Bruce asked without opening his eyes.

 

“The problem is that we don't have cows honey.” Martha answered and Bruce's eyes shot open as he rocketed to a sitting position.

 

“What?” He asked urgently.

 

“We haven't had cows for years.” Clark shrugged.

 

“RICHARD!!!!!!” Bruce thundered.

 

“Hey that was funny!” Said teen defended himself.

 

“Those ranchers could have pressed charges for theft Richard.” Clark sighed.

 

“Everything was fine until that one gave birth.” Jason pouted.

 

“And you three city idiots panicked.” Clark rolled his eyes.

 

“I still don't think we're monsters, per say.” Richard quickly changed the subject.

 

“Bottle.....rocket.” Clark responded and Timothy's head ducked in shame.

 

“It was fun for a while.” Jason mumbled with a guilty frown.

 

“Until _someone_ got the bright idea to strap it to the handlebars of that rickety old bike!” Timothy growled. “That thing was mostly rust!”

 

“It was awesome until the handlebars blew off!” Richard shouted.

 

“Bottle rockets are perfectly okay boys.” Clark said. “As long as you shoot them _up_. You're lucky you didn't kill Bruce.”

 

“We said we were sorry.” The three sulked in unison.

 

“He didn't hear you because he was in a mini coma.” Clark retorted.

 

Needless to say, getting hit in the head by old handlebars strapped to a modified bottle rocket is not good for one's health.

 

“Then there was that phone call I received a few months ago.” Clark recalled and the three boys groaned as they remembered the incident.

 

Clark groaned as he rolled over and glanced at his clock. Six in the morning on a Saturday. Clark liked to sleep in on the weekends thank you very much. He answered his phone with a growl.

 

“This had better be good.”

 

“Clark we fucked up.” Came Richard's panicked voice.

 

“Richard?” Clark sat up, fully awake. “Don't you use that kind of language around me.”

 

“Fine.” The sixteen year old growled. “We _messed_ up now come help us before Bruce gets home.”

 

“I'm not sure I want to.” Clark responded.

 

“Please!?” Richard hissed desperately. “You don't know what he'll do to us.”

 

“I'm sure you deserve it.” Clark yawned.

 

“Please god, we'll do anything just help us!”

 

“What did you do?” Clark sighed.

 

“We may or may not have accidentally activated the emergency security protocols in the bat-cave while trying to hack into the computer to delete a few incriminating files that Bruce has been holding for blackmail and now all the security drones are trying to do terrible things to us.”

 

There was a muffled scream in the distance.

 

“Oh god! They got Jason! Please help us!”

 

“Goodbye Richard.” Clark grinned and hung up the phone before settling down to go back to sleep.

 

“You could have at least helped us.” Timothy pouted.

 

“I didn't feel like it.” Clark shrugged. “And of course we can't forget what happened just this morning now can we?” Clark grinned.

 

Richard and Jason glared daggers at Timothy who just grinned.

 

Bruce had been sitting at the table nursing a cup of coffee after a night of less than ideal sleep. Clark was in the kitchen cooking breakfast and his Ma had been enjoying the morning air on the front porch. Clark hummed to himself and made a point of ignoring Bruce until he had finished his coffee. The man was famous for his grumpy mornings and today was no exception.

 

Clark was in the process of flipping a pancake when it happened. An ear piercing shriek rattled the house and the pancake sailed clean through the window, shattering it. Bruce's coffee mug met a similar fate, shattering on the wall as he jumped sky high. He whipped around as Clark ran out of the kitchen and his Ma burst through the front door. Richard and Jason vaulted the steps and the group was ready for any disaster.

 

“This has been a test of the emergency broadcast system.” Tim chirped happily. “Should this have been an actual emergency the scream you just heard would have been much louder and followed by many more like it.”

 

Bruce's rage had been the stuff of legends.

 

“You guys are complete terrors through and through and you know it! You absolutely hate _not_ causing trouble. Hate it. Just like Bruce.” Clark glared.

 

“But I don't hate Bruce it was an accident.” Jason muttered sadly and the other two boys looked at him in sympathy.

 

“......I don't want to know.” Clark whimpered as he rested his forehead on his palm.

 

“You honestly can't blame us for _all_ of this!” Richard exclaimed.

 

“Well who else am I supposed to blame?”

 

“Look at who raised us!” Richard shouted.

 

“You can't possibly think that I-” Clark was cut off by the front door slamming open and shut as Bruce darted over the threshold, leaning up against the wood as if to barricade himself inside.

 

“Whatever they tell you, it's all _lies_!!!” He exclaimed frantically before rushing toward Tim and hefting the boy over his shoulders and quickly doing the same with Jason before scrambling toward the back door.

 

“Come on Dick we're leaving! Bye Clark!” Bruce shouted over his shoulder as he dashed through the dining room, Richard hot on his heels.

 

“BRUCE!!!!!” Clark bellowed over the noise of someone very angry pounding on the door.


	5. War Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Which It All Begins

At the time Dick, Jason, Tim, and Barbara, couldn’t quite remember how it had all gotten so out of hand. It had started off simply enough and then things had turned competitive, very competitive, and if there was one thing the Batclan never did it was surrender. It was their greatest asset and also, at times, their greatest weakness.

 

“Let the record show that this was your idea.” Richard whispered to Jason as he stared wide eyed at the screen.

 

“ _This_ wasn’t supposed to happen!” Jason hissed in a mild panic.

 

“We are in... _so_ much trouble.” Barbara shuddered and Tim nodded beside her.

 

“Do you think Alfred will help us write out our wills?” Tim asked as he winced at what was transpiring on the screen in front of them.

 

“Oh, Alfred’s gonna kill us too.” Richard whispered in horrified awe.

 

It had only started a few weeks ago and so simply at that. They had been sitting around the table, eating breakfast and the big bad bat was still asleep in his room. That left Alfred and the kids up and about. Richard had swung in from Bludhaven for one of his unannounced visits and merely sat in his chair reading a book with one hand and devouring Alfred’s heavenly pancakes with the other. The room was quiet, peaceful, and calm. That’s how it began.

 

Tim pouted at the lack of blueberries on his plate. Sure he had massacred every single blueberry before diving into the rest of his food but that’s because they were his favorite. They were his favorite and now he didn’t have any more. Jason stood with a groan, popping his back and grabbing his empty glass. He turned to the kitchen to refill his juice before swiftly turning around and jabbing a finger into Tim’s face.

 

“Don’t you touch those, they’re mine.” He said with a stern glare, gesturing to the blueberries on his own plate before disappearing around the corner and into the kitchen.

 

 _“What’s the worst that could happen?”_ Tim thought to himself as he shrugged his shoulders and scooped the tantalizing fruits off of Jason’s plate and popped them in his mouth.

 

 _That’s_ how it began.

 

Jason’s weapon of retaliation had been Tim’s stash of orange juice. Everyone in the house knew about Tim’s love of fruit, he couldn’t have candy but the sweet tooth still persisted. One of his favorite drinks regularly seen in the house was orange juice, it was cheap and easy to find. Occasionally Alfred chose to surprise Tim with something a bit more extravagant like pomegranate juice or mango. In fact, for Tim’s birthday that year, Alfred had bought him an entire gallon of blueberry juice.

 

To reiterate, Tim loves his orange juice…..and Jason would have loved those berries but his little brother had to go and be a brat.

 

“This’ll show him.” Jason angrily growled in the darkness of the kitchen as he retrieved the carton marked with Tim’s lazy scrawl of a signature.

 

“Show who?” A deep gravelly voice sounded out behind him and Jason gave a slight gasp before turning around, face to face with Bruce.

 

The man glanced at the carton in Jason’s hands.

 

“You _hate_ citrus. What are you doing?” Bruce’s eyes narrowed.

 

“He started it.” Jason blurted and Bruce sighed.

 

“Don’t let it get out of hand.” He groaned as he turned and limped out of the kitchen.

 

 _“Rough night on patrol then.”_ Jason thought to himself as he dumped the orange juice down the drain. “ _Wonder how big a dose of painkillers Alfred slipped into his drink?”_

 

He rinsed the jug out thoroughly before refilling it halfway with hot water and rooting through the cabinets for the final ingredient. Feet planted firmly on the counter, Jason dug through the top cabinet for their secret stash of mac and cheese. It had to be hidden well. If Alfred found something so unhealthy and cheap in his kitchen he’d have a small fit. The kids….well….they enjoyed some good old cheap, unhealthy, overly salted Kraft mac n cheese because….they were kids. He ripped the top of the box and yanked out the flavor packet before burying the remains in the very bottom of their trash can, box stuffed inside of another container to, hopefully, avoid Alfred’s keen eye.

 

He poured the cheese flavoring into the half filled container as his teeth gleamed in a malicious grin.

 

 _“This’ll show him.”_ Jason thought as he shook up the container to mix the powder into the water, filled it up the rest of the way, and returned it to it’s place in the fridge.

 

That morning Tim had nearly choked before spewing cold cheese water across the table.

 

“Gross!” He yelled. “Jason!”

 

“Told you not to touch ‘em.” Jason grinned.

 

 _“Oh you’re gonna pay”_ Tim thought as he glared at that all too smug face while Dick laughed at his end of the table.

 

The blueberry incident had been Saturday morning, Tim’s orange juice had been vandalized that very same night and his….misfortune with that had only been this morning. Unfortunately, Tim grinned, tomorrow was a school day. The house was dark and quiet aside from Alfred steadily tidying up whilst listening in on the radio chatter from tonight’s patrol. Tim had not been allowed to go as he still had a bit of homework that he had put off until the very last minute. Of course the moment Bruce found out Tim was sent straight to his room.

 

“I’m just getting a drink of water.” Tim huffed at a suspicious looking Alfred as he jiggled the water bottle and hoped the butler wouldn’t notice the small bulge in his hoodie pocket. Alfred’s eyes narrowed and Tim began to sweat before Afred’s eyes grew wide and his fingers flew to the earpiece before turning and swiftly exiting the kitchen.

 

“Right away Master Bruce.” Alfred said with urgency as he disappeared around the corner and Tim breathed a sigh of relief.

 

He took the decoy bottle of water and his hidden prize back up the long flight of stairs. He stood at the railing for a few tense moments, waiting to see if Alfred would reappear from the cave anytime soon. Luck was with him and he heard not a single sound. He grinned as he ran through the hallway, bare feet softly padding along the expensive carpet. He stopped in front of Jason’s door and his grin widened. He deftly picked the lock and opened the door, swinging down to collect the small scrap of paper that had been tucked between the door and it’s frame. He rolled his eyes, Dick must’ve taught him that.

 

He slipped from the bedroom to the bathroom and eyed Jason’s toothbrush with a feral grin. He picked up the bright red brush, bristles and all, and couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

 

“Always red. Why red? Red everything. Makes things easier for me.” Tim mumbled to himself as he fished around in his hoodie pocket for the small container. “Give me cheese water will you.” He growled as he squirted a liberal amount onto the crimson brush and returned it to it’s place.

 

He tucked the tube back into his pocket and made a note to return it to its rightful place later that night. He made his way back into the bedroom and out the door, locking it behind him returning the slip of paper to rest between the door and the frame. He smiled in satisfaction and left to go do his homework for the night. Knowing Jason, he’d be too tired to discover what Tim had done until the morning and by then it would be too late. Serves him right for not brushing his teeth like he should.

 

The next morning was far more chaos than Tim had imagined.

 

 _“Maybe.”_ He thought to himself later that day. _“Maybe red was the wrong choice of color.”_

 

The first thing that had begun Monday morning in the Manor was an ear piercing shriek from Jason’s room that had everyone thundering up the stairs to burst into his room. Bruce had gotten there first and nearly tore the door off its hinges when he threw it open. The man wasted no time rushing to the bathroom door and yanking it open as well before staring with wide eyes at the scene before him.

 

Jason stood shirtless in front of the mirror, blood red foam dripping from his mouth as he gaped.

 

“Are you dizzy?” Bruce asked.

 

Jason shook his head no.

 

“Are you in any pain?” He asked, his entire body was taught as a bowstring.

 

Another shake of the head as Jason smeared the thick red substance from his chin with the back of his hand.

 

“Any injuries last night you neglected to mention?” Bruce leveled the boy with a stern gaze letting him know that a lie would not be in his best interests.

 

“No I-” Jason spit into the sink, bright red droplets spattering across white porcelain. “No.”

 

Bruce chewed on his lip for a moment as he spied the toothbrush on the floor and Tim’s barely contained expression of triumph. His body loosened and the adrenaline faded as he sighed.

 

“What does it taste like?” He asked.

 

“It taste like-” He spit again. “friggen mint! I was just brushing my teeth and then-” Jason paused before turning his smoldering glare to Tim. “You!” He shouted, pointing an accusatory finger at their youngest.

 

“Would you just rinse your mouth!” Bruce shouted as he grabbed Jason, mid lunge, and hauled him to the sink.

 

The boy did as he was told and in only a few seconds he looked into the mirror to find himself with a blood red grin. Bruce’s jaw tightened in that way it did when he was trying very hard to be the adult and not laugh at what his children had done this time. Eerily similar to when Richard was little and got his head caught in the banister, but that time he did laugh. Bruce bit his lip harshly.

 

“You brat!” Jason exclaimed. “How am I supposed to get this off before school?!”

 

Tim merely stuck out his tongue at his brother.

 

Dear Christ help him because Bruce wasn’t _breathing_ and if he breathed he would laugh he knew it. He bit down harder on his lip.

 

“Now what is all this ruckus?” Alfred’s voice drifted into the room only moments before he did and Bruce shot him a look that screamed ‘help’.

 

“Now Master Jason I am just afraid you are going to have to tolerate the school day as is. Shouldn’t be any trouble for someone of your _nightly habits_.” Alfred said as he shooed the angry child from the room.

 

The moment that door closed Bruce took a big breath and laughed.

 

Jason’s revenge was legendary and he simultaneously managed to tear Tim’s social life to shreds in the process. To this day no one knows exactly how Jason got a hold of Tim’s phone, the thing was magically glued to him Bruce swore by it.

 

**“** **Running late at work Alfred’s busy I’ll pick you up at 25 after.”**

 

Bruce sent the text to Tim’s phone, along with an added message to pass things along, and didn’t think much of it as he dug back into the mound of paperwork on his desk. It was only noon but Bruce knew he’d be late as he rubbed his forehead. He was so engrossed in his work that he didn’t hear his phone go off as he received a return text from Timothy.

 

It was only as he was getting into the car and double checking his emails that he noticed the message alert. He winced for a moment before tapping on the message icon.

 

 **“I love you.”** It read.

 

Bruce squinted at his phone to make sure he read that right. He shrugged grinned a little and started his car before making his way to the school where he would pick up his sons. He idly switched through radio stations looking for some background noise as he drove with the windows down. It was turning out to be a fairly peaceful day in Gotham.

 

Peaceful, that is, until he pulled into the schoolyard.

 

The car had barely rolled to a stop before Dick hit the side of the shiny, _very expensive_ , car with a loud thud.

 

“I need you to engage!” He yelled and Bruce’s brows creased.

 

“What?” Bruce asked as he quickly got out of the car.

 

“I don’t know! Just-Intervene!” He made desperate hand motions to the far end of the schoolyard.

 

“What are you doing here?” Bruce asked in confusion as he followed his eldest across the grass.

 

“Later! Just help me!” Richard yelled as he ran and Bruce followed behind.

 

When they reached the far end of the schoolyard Bruce was greeted with the sight of a large ring of students with some kind of fight going on in the center.

 

Oh dear lord a fight.

 

He picked up the pace and sprinted the rest of the way. Muscling his way through the ring of students he found exactly was he was, not hoping for, but definitely expected.

 

Tim and Jason tore at each other, shouting obscenities that Bruce knows they learned from him.

 

“Well maybe if you weren’t such a damn brat!” Jason yelled as he grappled the younger boy.

 

“Screw you, you freak!” Tim responded as he broke loose of Jason’s hold and rounded a kick to his jaw.

 

“That is _ENOUGH_!!!!” Bruce bellowed and all noise and movement immediately stopped as the students scattered.

 

Tim and Jason stared up at a fuming Bruce Wayne.

 

“He took my phone!” Tim blurted as he wiped dirt off his cheek. “Then, then he did something and I can’t fix it!”

 

Bruce’s glare turned to Jason.

 

“I just messed with the auto-correct geeze. Don’t be such an idiot.” Jason glowered at Tim.

 

“Yeah, but every time I send the word ‘ok’ it auto-corrects to ‘I love you’! Tim was nearly in tears.

 

 _“Ah”_ Bruce thought to himself. _“That would explain the response text.”_

 

“Do you have any idea how many girls I’ve texted ‘I love you’ to today?!” Tim shrieked at Jason. “Do you know how many _guys_?!”

 

“Get in the car.” Bruce growled.

 

“But-” They both started.

 

“ _Now_.” Bruce snarled.

 

The two picked up their discarded bags and quietly made their way to the car, sitting on opposite sides of the vehicle.

 

“And you couldn’t handle that because?” Bruce glared at Richard.

 

“Because they were crazy!” Dick responded with wide eyes. “I couldn’t even get their attention let alone separate them. I needed the batboom.”

 

Bruce raised an eyebrow.

 

“You know...that voice you use when you’re being super authoritative, trying to get everyone’s attention, or while holding everyone’s attention.”

 

“Just….go back to the manor.”

 

“I’m just here because I got a desperate phone call from Tim.” Richard responded as he walked away, shrugging his shoulders.

 

Bruce got into his own car and there were a few tense moments of silence before he spoke.

 

“I remember saying something about this _not_ getting out of hand.” He growled and the two kids chewed their lips. “ _This_ is out of hand and it stops _now_.”

 

“But he started it!” Jason shouted.

 

Bruce twisted back around to glare at them so quickly the two heard his back crack in several places.

 

“I don’t care who started it I’m finishing it! This. Stops. Now.” He scowled at the two children in his backseat. “ _You’re done_. Do you understand me?”

 

The two simply nodded and endured the tense and silent car ride home.

 

The Manor was sullen and gloomy for two days with Bruce keeping a close eye on the two troublemakers. Tim was in his room reading a book and he was _not_ sulking.

 

“What’s up baby bird?” Tim glanced up to see Dick perched on his windowsill wearing jeans and a simple blue T-shirt.

 

“Don’t” Tim ground out. “call me that.”

 

“Aw c’mon everyone calls you that. Even dad.” Dick said with a grin and shrug as he stepped off the windowsill.

 

It was a bold faced lie but Tim didn’t know that and the boy groaned.

 

“Hey.” Dick said, poking Tim’s scrunched face. “You’re not going to let him get away with that are you?”

 

Tim’s eyebrows scrunched together as he looked up at his oldest brother.

 

“I mean...the whole phone thing? Way out of line if you ask me. He needs to pay for that one and I’ll even help you do it Timmy.” Dick said with a grin.

 

“But Bruce said-” Tim was cut off by Dick’s bark of laughter.

 

“Oh when has old brucie goosie ever stopped us?”

 

“ _Plenty of times_ and you’re just saying that ‘cause you don’t live with him anymore.” Tim responded with a huff.

 

“Partially, yes.” Dick answered with a wave of his hand. “Are you really going to let him get away with it though?” Richard’s stare held a challenge. “I’ll even get you some more kinder eggs for your secret stash even though you know you’re not allowed to have candy.”

 

“What do you have in mind?” Tim asked, a small smile growing on his face.

 

“Oh I have just the thing.” Richard’s face split into a wide and menacing grin.


	6. War Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things escalate far more than anyone anticipated

Richard berated himself as he quickly suited up along with Babs, Jason, and Tim.

 

 _“_ _I get it now Bruce.”_ He scolded himself. _“You win. You definitely win. Look before you leap, he always says this and what did you do? The exact fucking opposite!”_

 

That was a lecture he’d received from Bruce on more than one occasion and was, in fact, one of Bruce’s most popular lectures. Think, analyze the situation, find every possible outcome, get your contingency plans in order, and then make your move. Of course Richard had done none of that and well…..here they were. He accepted full responsibility. He was an adult, he should’ve let it go when Bruce had told Jason and Tim to stop. Why did the words ‘stop’ or ‘no’ coming from Bruce always want to make him do the exact opposite? It was the worst impulse ever!

 

Batman had ended it and Nightwing had gone and started it up again.

 

After his little chat with Tim, Richard had swiftly, and sneakily, led the way down to the Batcave with his little brother in tow. They could hear evenly timed grunts of exertion echoing through the vast cavern and Dick put a finger to his lips as he looked down at Tim with a smile. They crept their way through the cave, gliding between shadows as they moved without a sound. They crouched in the darkness and simply watched Jason testing his limits on the bench press. Sweat rolled down the teen’s arms as his muscles strained with every push. His shirtless form glistened in the dark from his exertions as he breathed steadily through his mouth. His face was reddening and his arms were beginning to shake from exhaustion.

 

“Now.” Richard whispered with a grin as he leaped down and Tim followed.

 

In a flash the two were atop Jason, pinning him to the bench press. In a few short seconds Jason was gaping up at his older brother as he realized that his hands were quite thoroughly adhered to the barbell via the roll of silver duct tape in in Tim’s grasp.

 

“Teach you to fuck with someone’s phone you little prick.” Dick said with a self satisfied smirk as he climbed off of his little brother’s chest.

 

“You monsters!” Jason shouted as he flailed against the weight of the barbell that had become too much for his overused muscles. “Bruce said to stop!”

 

“And since when have any of us actually done what dad says?” Richard rolled his eyes.

 

“Every damn day you ass!” Jason snarled as he tried to lift the barbell. “He’s gonna kill you!”

 

Richard lifted the barbell and pressed it against Jason’s chest as he glared.

 

“Tell dad about this and I can promise you two things will happen.” Richard growled. “One, I will kick your ass, and two, I’ll just tell Bruce that I caught you planning more nonsense and decided to take care of it.”

 

“He’ll never believe that.”

 

“Really?” Richard grinned. “Because you’ve been a little shit all week and dad’s about three seconds away from snapping your neck. With how mad he already is at you, I think he’ll believe it.”

 

Richard released his hold on the barbell and grinned down at Jason where he was pinned.

 

“Hope you learned your lesson Jay.” Richard grinned and patted Jason’s cheek before turning toward the stairs and fist bumping Tim.

 

“I’ll get you for this!” Jason bellowed as he pressed against the weight of barbell.

 

Tim and Dick stopped laughing and spun back around to face Jason as a loud crash sounded out behind them. They turned with wide eyes and laughed as their gazes caught Jason attempting to stand after rolling off the bench. His arms shook with effort as he hunched over, the barbell clanging as he tried to lift it off the floor.

 

“I’m gonna shoot both of you in the back when you aren’t looking!” He bellowed in rage before beginning to make an attempt at gnawing his way through the duct tape.

 

Tim and Richard had laughed all the way back up the stairs and into the house. Jason had come out of the situation with a chipped tooth and Bruce had been none the wiser. He simply said something about ‘rough training’ before exiting the room to make a dental appointment for Jason.

 

Yeah, Richard nodded as he typed in coordinates, this was all definitely his fault.

 

Of course Jason would be true to his word, not about shooting them but sometimes Dick wondered. Babs had been the wild card that Nightwing had not, but definitely should have, expected. It had been early in the morning and Richard had needed to make a quick run to Bludhaven. He dressed himself casually and made his way to the garage where his car was parked, giving a nod to Alfred as he made his way passed the kitchen. He started the engine and opened the garage door before he noticed the heavy downpour outside. He sighed in slight annoyance, this was going to slow him down, before flicking the windshield wipers on and freezing in absolute horror. Across the glass in front of him were now several streaks of bright rainbow paint. He hurriedly shut off the engine before the stuff could smear more.

 

He threw open the door and dashed for a rag and cleaning bucket on the far side of the huge garage. He returned and began furiously scrubbing but whatever paint had been used dried very quickly. He scowled at the foggy, rainbow patchwork that made up his windshield. Jason didn’t have any paints. He knew who did this. He scrambled for his phone, punching in the speed dial number so angrily he almost cracked his phone screen. He shook in suppressed rage for three rings before the person picked up.

 

“You teamed up with Jason you traitor!” He bellowed into the phone.

 

“You duct taped his hands to a barbell Dick. He’s still picking tape fibers out of his teeth.” Barbara responded.

 

“He shouldn’t have done that to Tim’s phone.” Richard snarled.

 

“And Tim shouldn’t have dyed his teeth on a school day.” Babs responded.

 

“Well Jason shouldn’t have messed with Timmy’s juice!” Dick’s voice was steadily raising back to a shout.

 

“And Tim shouldn’t be taking things that don’t belong to him after being specifically told not to!” Barbara shouted back.

 

“But my _car_?!” Richard shrieked. “I payed for this thing myself you know! It’s _my_ car and it looks like I slaughtered a unicorn with it!”

 

“Oh just get daddy bats to pay for it, you know he doesn’t give two shits about money.” She sighed.

 

“I can’t exactly do that.” Richard ground out. “He’ll wonder why I have paint on my car windshield!”

 

“Oh yeah!” Barbara exclaimed. “You _aren’t_ supposed to be doing this are you?”

 

“You are going to pay so hard.” Richard growled.

 

“Good luck Dickie boy.” She grinned before hanging up the phone.

 

To say that Richard was furious would be an understatement. Of course, while Richard scrambled to get the paint off his windshield, before Bruce or Alfred saw it, the other half of the newly formed team struck. Tim yawned long and loud as he ran a hand through his sleep tousled hair. He sleepily meandered his way to the bathroom lifted the toilet lid and sat down. He let out a grand scream as a loud pop echoed through his bathroom and he jumped up to see small wisps of smoke emerging from under the seat. It was that moment when Alfred burst in, in response to the scream he had heard, and caught Tim, literally, with his pants down.

 

“Get the hell out!!!!!” Tim screamed as he struggled to lift his pants and instead tangled himself up and face planted the cold tile.

 

Tim and Richard held a secret meeting when they could, both still fuming from their experiences from the evil duo. They both had grand ideas and, when it was late enough, both went their separate ways to enact their evil plans.

 

Barbara woke with the rising sun as per her usual routine and stretched a bit, working out all the kinks in her muscles from a night’s rest. She brushed her teeth, brushed her hair, and took care of her morning rituals before making some breakfast. Her pajamas comfortably hugged her toned body and she stretched again as she glanced at the clock.

 

 _“Shower and then work.”_ She thought and cleaned herself up before heading to work for the day, grabbing her prepacked lunch from the fridge before leaving.

 

It was much later in the day when Richard got the phone call.

 

“You dick!!!!” Barbara screamed at him.

 

“That’s my name. don’t wear it out.” Dick grinned.

 

“You replaced my brownie with a pot brownie?!”

 

Richard laughed long and loud.

 

“That was not only the last out of the batch _Alfred_ gave me but that was my _work lunch_!” She screamed. “I was high as a kite! At work!!!”

 

“Don’t fuck with my car.” Richard responded before hanging up the phone.

 

Jason, on the other hand, did not rise with the sun and aside from Bruce was usually the last one out of bed in the mornings. It was always a mad scramble for him to get ready on school days but Alfred was there to hurry him along as usual. He ate his breakfast as quickly as he could before rushing upstairs to shower. When he was done he quickly slathered on his deodorant before grabbing his book bag and jumping in the car to go to school.

 

It was also much later in the day before Bruce received a phone call, mid meeting with the Justice League. He contemplated not answering it as it buzzed away but one look at the caller ID had him standing and excusing himself to the hall.

 

“Bruce Wayne speaking.” He answered.

 

“Hello Mr. Wayne. I’m very sorry to inform you that your son Jason is having a little trouble today and you’re going to need to come and pick him up immediately.” The secretary of the private school he sent his kids to sounded…..embarrassed.

 

“What kind of trouble?” He asked, creasing his brows together under the cowl in suspicion.

 

“Well...I-what I mean to say-” She stammered before pausing for a while.

 

“Ma'am?” Bruce asked as the silence stretched on.

 

“I’m sorry Mr. Wayne I’m just unsure how to phrase this.”

 

“Just tell me I’m sure I can handle it.” He shook his head.

 

“Well…...to be frank sir….your son….he stinks.”

 

“Come again?” Bruce asked.

 

“The faculty believes it to be some kind of prank and rest assured that we are taking the necessary steps to ensure this doesn’t happen again Mr. Wayne. Jason smells so strongly that he is a disturbance to other students and needs to go home.”

 

“Right…..” Bruce sighed. “I’m on my way.” He hung up before the woman could respond. “Those petty little brats.” Bruce snarled.

 

“What just happened?” Superman poked his head out the door, damn his super hearing. “Jason has to go home from school because…..he smells bad?”

 

There was giggling from inside the meeting hall.

 

“They’ve been consuming themselves with revenge schemes lately.” Batman growled angrily. “I thought I had put a stop to it but this?” Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose. “They’re still doing it and Jason and Tim alone don’t have the good sense to be this subtle about it. That means that Richard and possibly Barbara are now involved.”

 

“So...they’ve been….getting back at each other?” Superman asked, trying not to smile.

 

“For two weeks now.” Batman nodded, looking none too amused. “I’m going to have to find a way to put a stop to this before they kill each other…….or I murder them, whichever one come first.”

 

Both superman and the entire Justice League had laughed as Batman made his way to the teleporters, scowling and fuming the whole way.

 

Jason snatched up his deodorant the moment he got home and gave it a sniff.

 

“Cream cheese?!” He hissed under his breath. Oh he was very angry now. Now it was so on.

 

The day passed on without a hitch. Bruce was consumed with League business the entire day and so the four were home free to plot and tear at each other for the day. Withering looks and scowls were traded as they passed each other in the hallways. The tension between the two teams only grew as the day wore on. Batman was down in his cave on the computer while Alfred gathered the boys up for dinner, mildly annoyed at Bruce for remaining in the cave instead of joining the family.

 

They had finished dinner and had gone their own ways when a loud boom echoed through the Manor. Richard turned toward the sound just in time to receive a stinging slap to the face from Barbara.

 

“You know I can’t stand eggs ever since that incident on Easter!!!” She was furious.

 

“What did I do?!” Dick shouted back.

 

“You know exactly what you did!” She yelled as she raised a hand to smack him again.

 

“What’s all this?” Alfred asked sternly as he swept into the room.

 

“He!” She pointed an accusing finger at Dick. “Hung raw eggs from my apartment ceiling and turned the AC off!!! It was in the nineties today Richard!!! Do you know how long it’s going to take me to get that smell out?!”

 

“I didn’t do it!” Richard defended himself.

 

“Then it was Tim!” She yelled.

 

“You!” Tim’s voice echoed through the manor as he stomped in angrily. “I thought we were a _team_?!” He yelled at Richard.

 

“Whatever it is I didn’t do it!” Richard scrambled away from the two furious members of the batclan.

 

“You’re the only one who knew about my stash!!!” Tim shouted.

 

A gunshot rang through the house.

 

“Which one of you did it?!” Jason screamed as he pointed a pistol in their direction. “Everything in my room is on my ceiling! Which one of you was it!? Confess!!!!”

 

“That is quite enough out of all of you!” Alfred yelled. “Explain.”

 

“He hung raw eggs from my ceiling and turned off the AC!” Barbara yelled, pointing at Richard.

 

“He replaced my kinder eggs with raw eggs dipped in chocolate!!” Tim accused as he pointed at Dick. “All of them!”

 

“Everything in my room is on my ceiling!!!” Jason yelled pointing the gun at the floor. “And I do mean _everything._ The sheets are glued to the bed, everything on top of my dresser is glued to my dresser, and even my clothes are glued to each other and the bottom of my dresser drawers!!!!”

 

Richard gaped in horrified realization. _Everyone_ had been pranked except for him so either he was being set up or…...he bolted outside to the driveway.

 

“My car!!!!” His furious and horrified shout drifted in through the doors before he came thundering back inside. “It was you wasn’t it?!” He pointed at Tim. “I didn’t fuck with your stash but you saran wrapped my car?! It was ninety-three degrees today! It melted to my car!”

 

Alfred blinked long and slow as the four quickly dissolved into screaming, arguing, name calling, and various accusations.

 

“Was it worth it?” Bruce’s voice cut through their argument like a knife and they all turned to stare at him. “Look at yourselves. You little teams are crumbled to dust and you’ve dissolved into” he gestures with his hand as he takes a long sip of coffee from his mug. “This.” he finished. “Was it worth it?”

 

They all stare silently and Bruce simply shrugs before turning back around and heading down to the cave again.

 

“If you children are quite finished.” Alfred said as he leveled them all with a look.

 

They all sighed, disarmed, and moved toward the sitting room and plopped into various seats. They stewed in silence for a while, just staring at the floor with sullen expressions.

 

“It had to have been him.” Barbara sulked. “It had to have been Bruce. He was gone all day. He had plenty of time for this and he was far too smug back there.”

 

“Of course of it was Bruce.” Tim growled.

 

“We gotta get him back.” Jason said with resounding finality.

 

“Yeah?” Richard responded angrily. “How short stuff? All this, in one day? That’s pretty hard to top.”

 

“I’ll think of something.” Jason said darkly as he narrowed his eyes.

 

Three days of peace and quiet passed by. Bruce didn’t want to rejoice prematurely but he certainly enjoyed the break. Two more days passed like this and Bruce was beginning to think the whole issue had finally been resolved. At the end of the week it happened.

 

The Injustice Gang struck Metropolis.

 

Bruce had rushed home from work the moment he got the alert on his communicator. He sped passed the sitting room where Tim, Dick, Barbara, and Jason were all battling each other in Halo.

 

 _“At least they’re finally getting along.”_ He thought to himself as he alerted Alfred to the situation, suited up, got in the Batmobile, and sped toward Metropolis.

 

The heavily armored, tank of a vehicle plowed through the various forms of debris littering the evacuated city streets. Smoke hung in heavy plumes from various crumbled and burning buildings. The battle hadn’t been raging that long but the Injustice Gang were good at what they did. Batman shifted gears and drifted around a corner, Star Sapphire hot on his heels. He easily sifted through the chatter over the comms and communicated perfectly with the rest of the team. The moment he swung around the corner Hawkgirl ambushed Star Sapphire and sent her hurtling into a building. Bruce grinned.

 

He smirked again as Solomon Grundy came charging down the street toward him. With a flick of his wrist he was arming various weapons systems in preparation for his attack.

 

 _ **“**_ _ **Weapons systems offline.”**_ The vehicle’s computer spat out and Bruce gaped at the console before lifting his eyes back to the charging, hulking, mass in front of him.

 

With a screech of rubber on pavement he turned the car sideways and Grundy slammed into the passenger side of his car, grabbing hold and lifting. Bruce frantically turned dials and mashed buttons in an attempt to fix whatever horrible thing had gone wrong but only received the same alert over and over.

 

_**“Weapons systems offline.”** _

 

“Son of a fuck.” Bruce blurted out before bracing himself as Grundy threw the car and it rolled.

 

“Batman!” Diana shouted as she flew down and righted the upside down vehicle while Flash took on Grundy.

 

“I’m fine!” He snarled as he opened the door.

 

“What happened?” She asked, blocking a strike from Star Sapphire with her gauntlets.

 

“There’s something wrong with the weapons system! This thing is useless right now!” He shouted angrily as he stepped out of the car to join the fray again.

 

 _ **“Weapons systems activated.”**_ Bruce and Diana gave the car a look of complete horror. _**“Target located.”**_

 

The car door slammed shut as Diana was tackled from behind by Cheetah and Bruce was knocked to the ground. The engine started with a roar as the computer systems took over and autopilot was engaged. The back tires spun out, a small spiral of smoke rising from them, as the car rounded itself and faced Batman head on.

 

“Son of a bitch.” Bruce groaned in realization before turning to run from his own car.

 

He fired a grappling hook onto a street light and barely managed to lift himself over the car before landing in the streets behind it. The car peeled around and drove straight for him. He rolled out of the way again as his own car tried to run him over.

 

“Alfred!” He shouted desperately into his communicator. “Get to the cave now!”

 

“Batman!” Green Lantern shouted into his communicator as he saw the spectacle. “What is going on?!”

 

“I don’t know!” Bruce shouted back as the car plowed through a brick wall to get to him.

 

“Fix it!”

 

“I can’t!” Bruce snarled as he leaped onto a window ledge to scale the building and gain some distance from his demon car. “Not from out here! I need to be physically inside!”

 

“Well hurry it up Spooky!” Flash shouted into the comms.

 

Bruce’s eyes widened as one of cannons on his car moved.

 

“Son of a _bitch_!” He didn’t entirely manage to dodge the bola that was launched at him and soon he was dangling from the windowsill by his left arm.

 

The vehicle’s engine roared.

 

“Batman, what’s going on?” Superman asked with a grunt as Grundy landed a heavy blow. “Do you need help?”

 

“I can handle it!” Bruce screamed as he flipped himself upright and clawed at the bola with his free arm. “Find Luthor!”

 

He cursed again as he heard the car reload and the cannon whir as it moved, re-targeting him. The bola wasn’t caught on much but it was enough that Bruce needed a little more time before freeing his arm.

 

 _“This is gonna hurt.”_ He thought before leaping from the window as the car fired another shot.

 

He was right. What the bola was caught on wasn’t sturdy enough to support his full weight but he grunted as he felt his shoulder pop loudly. No sooner was he on his feet and sprinting through the streets and the car was on his heels again. He heard a distinctive thunk and another whir and he growled. He spun around to face the car as its grill lowered and fired out a large steel net. Bruce found himself reacting on instinct as he bent backward so far that the ears on his cowl scraped the pavement. He felt the breeze as the net barely flew over him. He tried to right himself in time to leap over the car but he was mere seconds too late. The hood of the vehicle caught his right shin and sent him hurtling into the windshield, blast shields up, and his back slammed heavily into the speeding car. He gave a shout of pain as he flew through the air and landed with a thud on the rubble.

 

“Batman!” Superman shouted as the car spun around again and charged.

 

Bruce groaned as he sat up. Pain shot through him and he hissed. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears and his own gasping breath echoed as he tried to make sense of his surroundings. He heard the car engine and turned toward the sound, eyes widening as he saw the car barreling toward him. There was no time. He braced himself.

 

In a flash of red and blue the crumpled remains of the Batmobile flew end over end before smashing into a truck and sputtering to a stop. Batman gaped.

 

“What” He shouted as he stood with a wince. “Did you do to my car?!”

 

“It was about to run you over!” Superman shouted as his eyes dulled in that way they did when he used his X-ray vision.

 

“I said I had it under control!” Batman yelled back. “Where’s Luthor?!”

 

“I don’t know!” Superman responded. “With everything happening with you we kinda…..lost them.”

 

“Lost _them_?” Bruce growled.

 

“Yeeaaaah.” Superman winced. “All of them. I guess they decided to get while the getting’s good.”

 

“When I say I have something under control-”

 

“But you didn’t!” Superman pointed at him. “Your leg is broken, two ribs are cracked, your shoulder is dislocated, and you have a concussion! That’s not under control Batman!”

 

“Stop X-raying me!” Batman bellowed.

 

“Guys.” Flash interrupted as he sped up to them. “Not that this isn’t fun buuuuut...” He pointed into the sky where more than a few news helicopters circled overhead.

 

“Son of a bitch.” Batman whispered.

 

He turned around angrily and limped toward the wreckage of his beautiful baby.

 

“Where are you going?” Shayera shouted at his back.

 

“To salvage what I can now that the big blue wrecking ball got a hold of her!” Batman shouted over the wind of landing news helicopters.

 

The League members paused.

 

“Her?” J’onn asked, obviously confused.

 

“He _really_ likes his car.” Superman winced.

 

“Are you in trouble?” Flash asked.

 

“Your comms are still on.” Batman interrupted. “And yes Kal you are in _so_ much trouble.”

 

Superman bit his lip as both he and Diana turned to face the news crews rushing toward them. This was going to be rough. Superman put on his best grin and held up his hands to stop the small wave of reporters and cameras. He was doing his best to hush them down when a loud boom rattled through the streets. He spun around and gasped. The inside of the Batmobile, the inside of the open driver’s side door, and at least three feet of debris and pavement were splattered with a thick layer of the brightest color of pink that Clark had ever seen in his life.

 

“SON OF A BITCH!!!” Batman’s enraged roar thundered through the streets and Clark could hear the whirring of cameras as they zoomed in on the scene.

 

Using his super speed he was beside a coughing, spitting Batman who was covered nearly head to toe in bright pink paint, all except for the part of his back that had been pressed against the seat.

 

“Are you okay?” Superman asked, eyes wide.

 

“A paint bomb.” Bruce shook in barely suppressed rage. “After all this...a paint bomb...under my seat? Oooooh I _know_ who did this.”

 

He stepped out of the car and slammed his fist through the, already cracked, window.

 

“Son of a bitch!” He screamed.

 

“Okay will you at least watch your language?!” Clark shouted in embarrassment as he looked from the news cameras and back to Bruce.

 

“Suck a cock boyscout!!!” Had been Batman’s thundering response.

 

The reporters mumbled something nasty about Gothamites under their breath and Clark winced.


End file.
